The Girl I Was...

"The girl I was with the business degree probably wouldn't recognize me"

A while back I had two interviews at an advertising company for an account executive job.  I was excited about the possibility of having a solid career that I could really apply myself to, have something to achieve and be proud of.  On the other hand, when I was called back for the second interview, I became increasingly nervous about potentially having to leave my baby.  I know the day will come when I will return to work and be forced to leave Elise in the care of someone else.  I am torn between two worlds.  If I go back to work, I'll feel proud of myself for contributing to my family's income, and proud of myself for working hard outside my home.  I know I'm smart, talented, have good ideas to contribute, and could be a valuable asset to any company.  But how can I validate all that without feeling guilty or sad that I am not the one with my baby.  If I am going to have to leave my baby to go back to work, I don't want a job, I want THE job.  It needs to be worth it for me to justify leaving her.  I had this plan of having it all, the family and the job.  Being Supermom.  I had always envisioned myself as having a career, and never as a stay at home mom.  I faced the fact that my child would be in daycare because I didn't even think it would be an option for us.  I am so glad we have been able to make it work this long.  This is time I can never get back with Elise while's she's so little.  I had so much anxiety over going back to work and leaving her, which I assume is normal.  But, I'm sure that women who love their job find it a bit easier to make that transition.  Even though I don't have a high powered career, I still feel proud of myself for taking care of our daughter and proud of the mom I have become.  It is the hardest job there is, but the most rewarding too.