Amazing Skills My Husband Has

Since my husband's profession requires him to partake in horribly disgusting events and scenes, you know the usual car wrecks with mangled body parts thrown all over the highway, idiots that set their vehicles on fire while they cruise down the interstate only to be burnt to a crisp for others to find, psychopaths that blow their faces off with shotguns, you can only presume that he would have a strong stomach.  I mean, one would have to.  I however, hear someone barfing and it's all over with.  Make that a party of two pukers!  One might also think that a profession such as his would develop characteristics such as compassion and sympathy.  I'm pretty sure that's not the case, well at least not in mine anyway.

Anyway, yesterday morning I woke up with my intestines screaming for help.  I lingered by the toilet willing the evil out of my gut and my body soaked in sweat.  Nothing.  I hopped in the shower for some relief.  I just sat in the bottom of the tub and washed my hair, face, and body while the water poured on top of me.  Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt.  Meaning, the more I moved around, the sicker I felt.  Luckily for me, Jason was off yesterday because he had a dentist appointment and I had a follow-up appointment with my family doctor.  I started to get myself ready and dressed, taking minutes in between to sit down so that the nausea would subside.  My face was pale and my lips were white.  We were on our way out the door to my appointment and I grabbed a plastic grocery bag.  You know, just in case.  I laid my head back and closed my eyes and hoped that Jason would STOP HITTING THE BUMPS!

We made it to the doctor's office, I checked in, and they wanted to have a freaking conversation about my bill and my deductible and all that crap.  I mean REALLY?!  I thought to myself, let's discuss this later or else you'll be sending me a bill to have your entire waiting room repainted from the vomit I'm about to cover the walls in.

They called me back, I did the whole deal with the nurse, weight, blood pressure, how are you doing, I'm fine just need a barf bag please, the doctor will be in shortly blah, blah, blah.

My doctor sent over a prescription to the pharmacy across the street and we headed out the door.  As we got into the truck Jason says "are you getting hungry?"  umm no.  "I'm just thirsty."

There was a Sonic right next to the doctor's office so we whipped in there.

"Do you want something to eat?"

Uggghhhhhhhh!  For the love of GOD quit talking about food!

"no, just a Sprite."

The Sonic worker came over the intercom:  "Welcome to Sonic, can I take your order?"

"Yes, I need a medium Sprite, a large Cherry Limeade, and an order of Mozzarella Sticks."

"Ok, that will be $7.21"

Immediately after that brief conversation, I threw my face into my plastic sack and barfed 3 times in it.

Everyone was just chillin in the truck, and I had my face in a sack making the most horrific noises and begging for the bag to NOT have a freaking hole in it.  Then, Jason decided he was going to look over at me and the contents of the bag.

"Just liquid huh?"

Yeah you wanna taste it?  Is what I would have said if I hadn't felt so sick.

Here comes the little car hop with our order.  And I'm holding a bag of barf.  Neat.

Jason just whips out his cheese sticks and starts going to town on them all the while looking for a dumpster so that I can dispose of the mess.

"It's hard for me to eat because this side of my face is all numb."

Wow, that sure is a tragedy.  It's hard for me to smell those cheese sticks because I wanna puke and don't have anywhere to do it.

It did look pretty funny.  One side of his face looked paralyzed.  Of course I didn't care at that given moment.

All I'm thinking about is where am I gonna puke the next time.  We need to find another plastic bag STAT!

Then he says, "Well, they didn't give me any dipping sauce."

Seriously?!  How can you eat while all this is going on?!  Evidently due to his strong tolerance for events such as these.  At least it's a good thing he doesn't have a weak stomach, because then we'd both be barfing all over the place.

Luckily, we acquired another plastic bag for the next puking session.  And another for the one after that.  It was all quite a sight to behold.  Jason's driving down the road, I'm puking into plastic bags, and in between puking sessions, trying to feed my daughter some Teddy Grahams to keep her happy.  It was a really fun morning!  I can't wait to do it again!